Love begins and should begin at home. For me that means my parents and parent-in-law who love me since I was born and got married respectively. Without them I would be seeking love when I should be focusing on studies and growing up.
Home also means Harit to whom I have been married for 12 years and known him for nearly 17-18 years. If all the husbands loved as he does, fewer wives would be ever thinking of giving up on marriage. I can see Raina feeling secure in the warmth of love in the home and feels stronger when she explores her world outside in school and parks. I am blessed and grateful.
In tribute to your honesty, sharing intimate side of your life, I write this post, Ruch. When I write this, I am thinking that the reason you felt like sharing this with me, is that you want to go to a stage in your relationship where there is harmony, peace, love, understanding and fun. Not that they already do not exist, they do. But everyone of us, including me, always prays for more of the blessings.
What happens to love after the wedding? I will share a conversation I had with a friend few years ago.
A close friend of mine discussed her frustration with her relationship with her husband. They had been married since 6 years. she said one day, "It was wonderful before we got married. We dated, went out for dinners and outings. But somehow after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love I felt for him and the love he seemed to have for me evaporated. I am fairly intelligent person, I work my job successfully, but this I don't understand it."
I asked her, "Did your love evaporate immediately after the wedding or was it a gradual loss?"
She said, "We had a whirlwind romance. It was exciting! We had 2-3 good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, he felt I gave all my attention to our baby and he no longer mattered. He felt that my goal in life was to have the baby and that after baby I no longer wanted him."
I asked her,"Did you your husband tell you this?"
She said," Yes, he told me this. I said he is crazy to think like this. I told him he does not understand what it is to be a mother and be there 24x7 on call of the baby. I told him he should be more understanding and be there for me. He tried too. But it didn't make much difference. After that we just grew apart. He busy with job and me with my baby and job. I continued to express my love by speaking to him. But then he started complaining about petty things like who will take the garbage out or salt in the food, food on time at the table etc. Later he even went to attack my character telling me that he didn't feel he could trust me. In his absence when he is working hard, whenever I could, I would take the baby out to the park or library. I would set play dates so that I get some free time and so does the other parent of my baby's friend. He became totally negative person. Before marriage he was never negative. He was the most positive person I met. This is one of the things that attracted me to him. He never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but once we were married, it seemed that I could not do anything right. I honestly don't know what happened. Eventually I lost my love for him and began to resent him. After a while there was no love left. Only deadness. Both of us agreed that marriage is over for us. Is this experience common as I see many face the same?"
The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. My friend and myself love picking up magazines to read from design to food to lifestyle to people etc. Most of them have at least one article in each issue on keeping love alive in marriage. Books are abound on this subject. Keeping love alive in marriage is the need of many.
"With so many books and magazines and websites on it, why is that so few couples seems to have found the secret in keeping the love alive after the wedding? How is that I read an article on '100 ways to express love to your spouse' and selected 2-3 ways that seemed especially good for us, tried them, and my spouse didn't even acknowledge the effort.", my friend asked. I am thinking that she gave up 98 ways and went to her life as usual.
I feel the answer to her questions is that we are missing the fundamental truth that people speak different love languages.
In the area of linguistics, there are major language groups: English, Chinese, Spanish, French, Hindi etc. Most of us grow learning the language of our parents which become our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages like we did in CEPT when we interacted with our classmates from South. This is done usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use the secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who only speaks his primary language which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language difference are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.
In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be different like Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend in the above conversation, she was speaking the language of 'Affirming Words' to her husband and she was sincere. But her husband did not understand her love language. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language to be effective communicators of love.
From a book I read I will write a few things which made a great impact on my way to understand my spouse. Here is from the book.... "There are 5 love languages. Five ways people speak and understand emotional love. In the fields of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects and variations. Similarly within the five basic emotional languages, there are many dialects. " That accounts for numerous articles in magazines like '100 ways to love' etc...In my opinion there are five love languages. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by one's imagination. Being a designer this should not be a limitation for us, Ruch. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.
We both know this, Ruch, that in early childhood development each child develops unique emotional patterns. Some children, for example, develop a pattern of low self-esteem where as others have healthy self-esteem. Some develop emotional pattern of insecurity where as others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, wanted, and appreciated, yet others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated.
The children who feel loved by their parents and peers will develop primary emotional love language based on their unique psychological makeup and the way their parents and significant persons expressed love to them. They will speak and understand one primary love language. They may learn later a secondary love language but they will feel most comfortable in their primary language. Children who do not feel loved by their parents will also develop primary language. However, it will be somewhat distorted in much the same way as some children learn poor grammar and under developed vocabulary. The poor programming does not mean that they cannot become good communicators. But it does mean that they have to work at it more diligently than those who had more positive role model.
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our
primary love language and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love but the message does not come through because we are speaking foreign language. Once we discover our primary love language and that of our spouse, we will have the need information to select the right idea/s of the various books and magazine. Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to long lasting and loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We must express in our spouse's primary love language.
I have written few excerpts from the book, "Five Love Languages" which we gifted ourselves few years back. It has been the best investment in our relationship. But since you do not have access to the book, I will be sharing what me and few of my friends implemented in the next few post to cover the book through personal stories and it's teachings and responses. That way you will know a few people who have brought about a great positive change their relationship.
Ruch, I am sure, we all can have better and better lives and relationships. My prayer to God is that he gives us the how and what part of it, as we already know our 'Why' we need to better our relationships everyday. It is like a plant. It needs constant endevour to make it flower and grow into a fruitful tree. 'When' your 'why' is clear in your mind, look for the 'how' in my post here and next few....Happy Reading..! ('When' Not 'if' since I am positive you want your marriage to work out great for yourself and kids' future.)
Love
Mon.
In tribute to your honesty, sharing intimate side of your life, I write this post, Ruch. When I write this, I am thinking that the reason you felt like sharing this with me, is that you want to go to a stage in your relationship where there is harmony, peace, love, understanding and fun. Not that they already do not exist, they do. But everyone of us, including me, always prays for more of the blessings.
What happens to love after the wedding? I will share a conversation I had with a friend few years ago.
A close friend of mine discussed her frustration with her relationship with her husband. They had been married since 6 years. she said one day, "It was wonderful before we got married. We dated, went out for dinners and outings. But somehow after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love I felt for him and the love he seemed to have for me evaporated. I am fairly intelligent person, I work my job successfully, but this I don't understand it."
I asked her, "Did your love evaporate immediately after the wedding or was it a gradual loss?"
She said, "We had a whirlwind romance. It was exciting! We had 2-3 good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, he felt I gave all my attention to our baby and he no longer mattered. He felt that my goal in life was to have the baby and that after baby I no longer wanted him."
I asked her,"Did you your husband tell you this?"
She said," Yes, he told me this. I said he is crazy to think like this. I told him he does not understand what it is to be a mother and be there 24x7 on call of the baby. I told him he should be more understanding and be there for me. He tried too. But it didn't make much difference. After that we just grew apart. He busy with job and me with my baby and job. I continued to express my love by speaking to him. But then he started complaining about petty things like who will take the garbage out or salt in the food, food on time at the table etc. Later he even went to attack my character telling me that he didn't feel he could trust me. In his absence when he is working hard, whenever I could, I would take the baby out to the park or library. I would set play dates so that I get some free time and so does the other parent of my baby's friend. He became totally negative person. Before marriage he was never negative. He was the most positive person I met. This is one of the things that attracted me to him. He never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but once we were married, it seemed that I could not do anything right. I honestly don't know what happened. Eventually I lost my love for him and began to resent him. After a while there was no love left. Only deadness. Both of us agreed that marriage is over for us. Is this experience common as I see many face the same?"
The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. My friend and myself love picking up magazines to read from design to food to lifestyle to people etc. Most of them have at least one article in each issue on keeping love alive in marriage. Books are abound on this subject. Keeping love alive in marriage is the need of many.
"With so many books and magazines and websites on it, why is that so few couples seems to have found the secret in keeping the love alive after the wedding? How is that I read an article on '100 ways to express love to your spouse' and selected 2-3 ways that seemed especially good for us, tried them, and my spouse didn't even acknowledge the effort.", my friend asked. I am thinking that she gave up 98 ways and went to her life as usual.
I feel the answer to her questions is that we are missing the fundamental truth that people speak different love languages.
In the area of linguistics, there are major language groups: English, Chinese, Spanish, French, Hindi etc. Most of us grow learning the language of our parents which become our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages like we did in CEPT when we interacted with our classmates from South. This is done usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use the secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who only speaks his primary language which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language difference are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.
In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be different like Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend in the above conversation, she was speaking the language of 'Affirming Words' to her husband and she was sincere. But her husband did not understand her love language. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language to be effective communicators of love.
From a book I read I will write a few things which made a great impact on my way to understand my spouse. Here is from the book.... "There are 5 love languages. Five ways people speak and understand emotional love. In the fields of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects and variations. Similarly within the five basic emotional languages, there are many dialects. " That accounts for numerous articles in magazines like '100 ways to love' etc...In my opinion there are five love languages. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by one's imagination. Being a designer this should not be a limitation for us, Ruch. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.
We both know this, Ruch, that in early childhood development each child develops unique emotional patterns. Some children, for example, develop a pattern of low self-esteem where as others have healthy self-esteem. Some develop emotional pattern of insecurity where as others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, wanted, and appreciated, yet others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated.
The children who feel loved by their parents and peers will develop primary emotional love language based on their unique psychological makeup and the way their parents and significant persons expressed love to them. They will speak and understand one primary love language. They may learn later a secondary love language but they will feel most comfortable in their primary language. Children who do not feel loved by their parents will also develop primary language. However, it will be somewhat distorted in much the same way as some children learn poor grammar and under developed vocabulary. The poor programming does not mean that they cannot become good communicators. But it does mean that they have to work at it more diligently than those who had more positive role model.
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our
primary love language and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love but the message does not come through because we are speaking foreign language. Once we discover our primary love language and that of our spouse, we will have the need information to select the right idea/s of the various books and magazine. Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to long lasting and loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We must express in our spouse's primary love language.
I have written few excerpts from the book, "Five Love Languages" which we gifted ourselves few years back. It has been the best investment in our relationship. But since you do not have access to the book, I will be sharing what me and few of my friends implemented in the next few post to cover the book through personal stories and it's teachings and responses. That way you will know a few people who have brought about a great positive change their relationship.
Ruch, I am sure, we all can have better and better lives and relationships. My prayer to God is that he gives us the how and what part of it, as we already know our 'Why' we need to better our relationships everyday. It is like a plant. It needs constant endevour to make it flower and grow into a fruitful tree. 'When' your 'why' is clear in your mind, look for the 'how' in my post here and next few....Happy Reading..! ('When' Not 'if' since I am positive you want your marriage to work out great for yourself and kids' future.)
Love
Mon.
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